Conscious Coliving 101 — Day 4
Day 4: Conscious Coliving 101
Part of the free course Conscious Coliving 101. Prefer it paced? Get it by email — one lesson a day.
Dear conscious human,
We hope you’ve had time to digest and reflect on the benefits and challenges that can come with coliving, especially in intentional communities. Today, we want to dive in a little deeper and help you understand what makes a good conscious coliving situation and the red flags to be wary of.
What makes a good conscious coliving situation
How will conscious coliving work for you? It’s hard to say, obviously we hope if you decide to become a conscious coliver it works out amazingly for you. But, how a conscious coliving situation actually works for you will depend on you, how you fit into it, and your expectations vs the reality. So what we would like to offer you, and Sam, are some areas of consideration to keep in mind.
Your checklist for conscious coliving
We’ve pulled together a checklist which we think will be useful for you when considering living in a conscious coliving space.
✅ Is there a well structured governance or leadership system?
This is important because without a well structured (note, not controlling) governance or leadership system, communities and coliving spaces can quickly unravel. We recommend that you gain an understanding of the principles and systems in use in potential coliving places and take the time to understand how this is working in practice.
✅ Does the community’s value system align with your own?
Don’t get seduced by shiny things - some communities will have amazing offerings that might seem appealing initially, but the shine will wear off if you don’t share the same core values.
There are 2 things you need to know before joining a coliving space:
- What your values are
- What the coliving spaces values are
As with romantic relationships, if your values are drastically different from your partners you’re probably not compatible, regardless of if you want to be.
Do the digging on this to avoid the heartbreak ahead of time.
✅ Are there clear communication structures, including pathways for conflict resolution?
As we mentioned in the previous lesson, conflict is inevitable in coliving situations. So the aim is not to find a place where no conflict exists, but to understand the mechanisms and structures in place that support open communication pathways and healthy conflict resolution.
✅ Are communal resources respected and well maintained?
How do members of the community treat the communal resources? Are these respected by all, well-maintained and invested in? What are the community's future plans related to this? How do they intend to ensure new and existing members continue to respect the resources? What impact is this having on wider environmental issues, if any?
Did we just answer a question with more questions?
The point is, seek answers about the quality of care people invest in communal spaces. It will tell you a lot about the community.
✅ Is there ample and respected personal space and privacy available?
Having the option to take time for yourself, in your own private physical space, is an important factor for good mental health and the avoidance of codependent-type relationships. If privacy and personal space are not respected or encouraged to balance out the communal aspects, this isn’t likely to be a very healthy conscious coliving environment.
✅ Is there a fair distribution of responsibilities and resources?
There’s always one person who, given the chance, would never pull their weight. But in a conscious coliving community the distribution of responsibilities and resources needs to be fair, and respected. Understanding how this is managed and how this works in practice within the community you’re considering is important.
✅ Are you comfortable with the level of autonomy?
This will vary from community to community, so having an awareness of how much or how little autonomy is available vs how much you want or need, is a key consideration.
✅ Are there people who are embodying conscious practices with themselves and others?
As we mentioned earlier, you don’t have to be spiritual to be conscious. So don’t assume that conscious coliving is only available within more spiritually attuned communities.
To live consciously involves not only awareness and reflection but also the embodiment of conscious practices through actions and choices. Are the members of the community you’re considering honoring this?
🔍 Sam used the above checklist in their research of different coliving situations; taking time to ensure they weren’t simply seduced by the opportunity and novelty of this potential new experience, over the reality of living in a conscious coliving space.
We suggested that Sam also keep an eye out for these red flags as well. These can be hard to spot initially but they are definitely worth keeping in mind.\
8 red flags to watch out for
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🚩 Red flag #1: Rigid hierarchy and dominant power structures… Beware of that one charismatic leader
Whilst rules and regulations are needed these should be in place to serve the community, not only those in power.
Be mindful of how decisions are made. If there is one elevated ‘leader’ that all others succumb to, or even an individual or two trying to establish themselves as dictators, take a pass on this community.
And remember, in the beginning these ‘leaders’ are often very charming, so don’t discount any gut feelings or niggles in the early stages.
🚩 Red flag #2: Forced conformity and obedience to dogmatic belief systems
This can frequently go hand in hand with the above. But, even if the governance system is well and fairly managed, an expectation for conformity and obedience to a set of predefined beliefs, without space for alternatives or a questioning of them, is a big no, no in our book.
🚩 Red flag #3: The demand or expectation that you must be cut away from society and other personal relationships
You shouldn’t have to give up your life, your interests, or your connection to friends and family just because they aren’t a part of your new community. There may need to be a compromise but a healthy community honors outside relationships and connections. You should never feel forced to leave anything or anyone behind to ‘belong’.
🚩 Red flag #4: What is the intention behind the community - are people running away from something? Is the intention to create a solution or to escape from a problem?
We’ve all toyed with escapism at points, and we’ve hopefully all realized how much of a futile attempt this is to actually manage the problem at hand. Yet, some communities are set up to do just that, escape.
Being aware of the community's overall aim and intention, it's ‘why’, is a great way to gain more understanding into whether the community is working to provide a solution to a problem or is simply there to keep people living in a bubble.
🚩 Red flag #5: Asking for lots of financial, time or energy investment with no clear reasons why
As you’ve probably realized, contribution is key to well functioning communities. But what exactly should you be contributing? Well, any community that asks for an unreasonable investment of time, money or energy without being able to clearly define why, is one to avoid. Conscious coliving should ultimately be an experience of expansion, not one that restricts or depletes.
🚩 Red flag #6: People who talk the talk, but don't walk the walk and spiritual bypassing
Are the members of the community, and especially those in the leadership type positions, living in alignment with the values being promoted?
This one can often be very hard to detect initially as it can show up in very subtle ways.
Another way this can exhibit itself is through spiritual bypassing. Are people really doing the deeper work on themselves or are they avoiding it by using a spiritually based intellectual argument to get them off the hook? In this case, actions speak louder than words.
🚩 Red flag #7: They don't, can't, or won’t deliver on their promises
This is kind of similar to red flag #6, except this time when it comes to implementing the ideas, taking the initiative, and putting in the practical action to make things happen there is no real output.
This doesn’t mean the community is out to con you or take advantage, it just means they aren’t able to deliver on what they are promising.
Take time to look at what the community has already achieved, what is still in progress and what the future plans are and how the community is working towards them, are all good things to consider.
🚩 Red flag #8: If it seems to good to be true it probably is
This red flag does what it says on the tin. If the community seems too good to be true we recommend you trust your instincts. In our experience the people, places and things that seem too good to be true, usually are.
☝️ Top tip: Although these are all valid red flags they are often hard to spot until you are in the community for at least a period of time. We recommend, aside from doing your own research and visiting the place(s), that you speak to others, especially those who have left the community you are considering. Finally, we recommend entering for a shorter trial period initially to really gain some experience before committing to anything longer-term.
Today we have presented what you can get (the good and the bad) from a conscious coliving situation.
⏩ In the next lesson we will explore how you can be a conscious coliver and what you need to know to make sure you don’t become the 9th red flag.
Lauren
Life Itself Legend\