Transforming Conflict in Community — Day 2
Day 2: Transforming Conflict in Community
Part of the free course Transforming Conflict in Community. Prefer it paced? Get it by email — one lesson a day.
Dear conscious human,
As people we make judgments, we have preconceptions and we can be swayed by a common narrative either consciously or unconsciously (no matter how conscious we are trying to be). When it comes to conflict, our own personal experiences will frequently support beliefs, which could more accurately be summed up as myths, without much evidence.
Today we will take a look at these to help you to approach conflict from more of a neutral ground.
The many myths of conflict
😡 Myth #1 Conflict is always ‘angry’
When people hear the word conflict, an image of an argument, shouting or someone being angry might pop into your head. But conflict wears many masks, and anger is just one of them. Others can look like passive aggression, avoidance, denial, and disinterest.
🦹 Myth #2 Conflict should be avoided
Unless you want to live in a cave, how do you avoid something inherent in human relationships and interactions? You can’t. Part of being conscious involves frequently taking the hard path. With conflict, taking a ‘let’s acknowledge it, process it and work through it approach’ is frequently the healthiest way forward.\
🚓 Myth #3 Someone should be punished
The problem with conflict is that we often experience this firstly in our family units, in which case punishment is often ‘inflicted’ as a result, leading us to develop a narrative that there is both a right and a wrong and that the individual(s) in the wrong should be punished. But we want to suggest a different approach: both should be forgiven. In most cases (although not all), neither party should be reprimanded, as conflict is about a clashing of views, not an intended 'wrong-doing', which is something altogether different.
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🏆 Myth #4 Conflict is a competition
Conflict isn’t about winning, it’s about finding a resolution that allows a win/win for all, so the whole team (community) benefits, as opposed to suffers. If this is something that rings true for you, take some time to dive into understanding what you believe it means to not win.
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👌 Myth #5 Someone is always right
Conflict is actually the result of two or more different perspectives. How can someone be right, when everyone is experiencing a different reality? We’re not talking about morality here, although that will likely be playing a huge role behind some of the conflicts. In some cases, conflict arises because there is a belief that ‘I am, or this way is, right’. This allows no space for new discoveries, openness, or possibilities and creates tension which usually results in conflict. There may feel like there are times when certain perspectives are more obviously ‘correct’, but this is why at least in community, being clear on boundaries and guidelines (which we’ll touch on more in day 4) from the get-go can avoid these types of unnecessary conflicts.
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☠️ Myth #6 Conflict is bad** **
As we’ve mentioned, conflict is actually great if it’s healthy! It is important to distinguish between healthy and toxic conflict, and not to confuse the two. Healthy conflict, although somewhat heated or pressurized, has within it the seeds of growth and potential, it is about expansion and change. Toxic conflict, on the other hand, is about dominance, control, hierarchical power status and a dogmatic nature of adhering to ‘my way or the highway’ type of viewpoints. It also can go hand in hand with expressions of behavior that do a lot of damage to another person. We’re not saying that healthy conflict means all behaviors are wonderful, people may still have tantrums or less than ideal coping mechanisms but the resolution of healthy conflict will allow space for reflection, discussion and processing. This allows each person to feel any negative effects have been assuaged or have at least been used constructively. Toxic conflict, on the other hand, destroys people and communities.
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🍽️ **Myth #7 Conflict is about the "washing up" **
Although the expression of conflict will usually come out in smaller ways, such as around the washing up (I’m going to take an under researched guess and say this is universal, right?!) its roots are - wait for it - usually belief-based. Shocker. And what are beliefs fueled with? That’s right, emotions! So next time you catch yourself judging how JC always leaves their teaspoon in the sink, try and dig a little deeper and understand the real reasons you are triggered by it … perhaps you see their action as a sign of disrespect or because it reminds you of an aunt you didn’t like, or annoyance of the fact that you don’t have the audacity to be that unapologetic… you get the point.
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🍎 Myth #8 If this community was healthy, there wouldn't be conflict
Wrong! Actually if this community was unhealthy there wouldn’t be conflict because it would likely be a cult (which we warned you about in CC101). Being human does not mean being perfect and living a kind of ‘Don’t Worry Darling’ lifestyle where, (spoiler alert) those of you who have seen the film will remember that conflict and disobedience were disposed of at all costs. Life is not perfect, and perfection should not be confused with healthy.
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Self-reflection time
✍️ Which of the above myths did you inherently hold, or now realize were clouding your judgment, before reading today’s lesson?
✍️ What has since opened up for you?\
Hopefully we’ve succeeded in busting some myths for you.
In the next lesson we’ll continue on with sharing the 7 greatest causes of conflict in coliving spaces.
Lauren
Life Itself