Transforming Conflict in Community — Day 3
Day 3: Transforming Conflict in Community
Part of the free course Transforming Conflict in Community. Prefer it paced? Get it by email — one lesson a day.
Dear conscious human,
Today we get into the nitty-gritty and start to unpack the main aspects within coliving that cause conflict. As every situation has its own complexities, we can only provide you with an overview and general tips to give you guidance. It is not a case by case of what to expect and it’s important to remember to tackle any situations that arise with a fresh perspective each time, no coating with the same brush.\
So with that said, let’s start with everyone’s favorite … Change!
The greatest causes of conflict
🎲 Change
The only constant in life is change. Yet, something about human nature means that we all struggle with it in different ways. Change within a coliving situation can often be a key area of conflict, because most conflict will involve some aspect of change either resulting in the actual conflict or with change being needed to facilitate the resolution of it.
Some people aren’t very adaptable to change, generally preferring to lurk in the familiarity side of life, whilst others may have simply gotten used to things being a certain way (even if they would proclaim ‘I like change’). This can result in tension as new people, new ideas, or just a natural development of things come into the space. \
On the other hand there are those who embrace change as a part of life, and studies have shown that people who choose change are more content than those who avoid it. So, when conflict arises, take a moment to understand if deep down this is more about a fear of impending change.
✍️ What is your relationship with change?
🦸Power Dynamics
Despite our attempts to be sophisticated, cordial, lovely beings called humans, we are never too far away from the tussle of the power dynamics we see amongst our animal friends. \
Within coliving situations, it is ultimately the unconscious (inter)actions related to individuals struggling with social power dynamics that can cause the more upsetting impact on the group. When we end up in situations where we feel powerless, knowingly or not, we will enter a power game to re-establish a sense of power within ourselves. This can be as simple as serving ourselves a larger portion of food at lunch, to picking a fight with the ‘alpha’ or someone we view as higher up the pecking order.
Power dynamics arise in many different, frequently subtle, ways. Deprivation is often a key ignitor in power dynamics, and the ego plays a leading role in fuelling situations. \
How do you deal with this? Open, judgment free communication, genuinely listening, and, where needed, working with a third party as a mediator are our recommendations.
Also, let’s be clear, if someone is super focused on power related aspects early on, it’s generally not a good sign in coliving. Ultimately though, power dynamics are key to all healthy relationships, so it’s not about neutralizing them but about finding ways to understand the complexities that exist within and around them, and how we can use them for good overall.
❣️Relationships
Relationships are not often directly a key cause of conflict, they act more like a road transporting what's underneath out into the open in very dramatic ways. And we’re not just talking about romantic relationships, as with power, we’re talking about relationship dynamics generally.
Relationships break down and become dysfunctional. Within community and coliving spaces, relationships can often seem more complex, more entangled, more dysfunctional when they are dysfunctioning and that’s likely due to the proximity of which you are viewing them, not the actual relationship(s). \
Issues within relationships cause ripples that can spread out, affecting everyone living in the community.
So what to do about this? Having a clearly defined relationship policy in place (where possible), understanding that emotions run high around relationships, especially romantic ones, and that everyone ultimately has different needs, are good places to start. And when conflict does arise, establish a neutral ground and get talking.
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🧼 The washing up (and other chores)
Yep, you’re one step ahead of us now, because we’ve already shared that the conflict with the washing up isn't really about the washing up! I mean it might be in a small way, because no one likes to feel they are pulling more weight than another person when it comes to chores, but underneath this seemingly innocent disguise, there is so much more. For the sake of this section, let’s assume it is a good old fashioned conflict over not sweeping the floor regularly, or putting the toilet lid down and Magda is getting worked up about it. What we recommend is to clear out the emotional charge behind it, set up guidelines in advance and understand if there is an imbalance in views of what is deemed more worthwhile chores wise and take it from there.
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💸 Finances
This one happens everywhere. Really with this comes two aspects,
1) don’t take on financially unstable people into coliving situations and
2) if you’re financially unstable yourself, go and sort your finances out before joining a community.
I’m not saying don’t be a freelancer or an actor, or set up a business or anything like that, what I’m saying is take responsibility for what you want to create in your life within the awareness that money features quite heavily, unless you plan to be a freeloader, which is an extremely unconscious way of being, and highly unlikely seeing as you’re reading this course.
This also isn’t to say you can’t be supportive towards others if you want, we know life never follows its best laid plans, but if financial support is something you are going to factor into your coliving situation, then you need to do so with a very clear understanding on items like the budget, timeframe, boundaries and expectations that are in place around it.
But overall, when it comes to finances, communities should set up clear financial expectations or guidelines in advance and stick to them, because creating exceptions is another way to create conflict. With this sensitive area, be reasonable but be firm.
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🚪 Leaving and entering the community
This one often feeds into the financial aspect, but also relates to change, social order and power and relationship dynamics.
We hope that when people choose to leave a community, it is done so with love, maturity and good wishes. Understanding the expectations of the coliving environment and clearly communicating these in advance is useful to ensure adherence and buy in. \
What we have found from personal experience is that it is important to have a defined process on how you join the coliving situation, what is expected of you in order to stay in the community, and having a clearly defined process on how you leave.
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🤨 Judgement and lack of perspective
Conflict arises because we are judging and/or unable to take a different or removed perspective about the person or situation. The definition of judgment is the evaluation of evidence in order to make a decision. Unfortunately, with judgment, opinions can be expressed as facts, and comparisons often made unhelpfully. Really determine what role judgment is playing in the situation and if it is operating in a way that helps to clarify and make a decision or if it is in fact muddying the water more.
Taking the time outside of moments of conflict to work on practices that support you in being able to catch yourself when you are judging, or help others catch themselves, is vital. It’s also important to note, unless you are Gandhi, you’re probably still working on your judgment voice. But remember, even a ‘positive’ critique is still a type of judgment, it just doesn’t usually result in conflict.
As you can probably see from today’s lesson, the situations that are frequently related to higher conflict zones within coliving situations are a complex mix, with often overlapping or adjoining aspects. We’ve touched briefly on wider techniques related to how to manage each one, and we’ll dive deeper into these on day 6. \
In the meantime, we hope it’s given you some food for thought on areas where conflict can arise, either obviously or not.
✍️ **Which areas of conflict from the list above have you experienced? **
**✍️ Which ones are the areas you feel most unnerved about experiencing conflict in? **\
These are useful questions to answer in advance to gain more knowledge about yourself and your personal relationship with conflict.
See you in the next lesson for another juicy day of transforming conflict.
Lauren
Life Itself