Transforming Conflict in Community — Day 4

Part of the free course Transforming Conflict in Community. Prefer it paced? Get it by email — one lesson a day.

Dear conscious human,

Avoiding conflict gets a bad rap, because there is a difference between avoiding the symptoms of conflict and avoiding conflict through prevention, and we want to address the idea of conflict avoidance in today’s lesson.

After seeing the main areas where conflict can arise in the previous lesson, there are a number of steps you can take that can support harmony, diminish tensions in advance, or provide you with a reference point should conflict still arise.

First let’s recap on the greatest causes of conflict from the previous lesson:

🎲 Change

🦸 Power dynamics

❣️ Relationships

🧼 The washing up and other chores

💸 Finances

🚪 Leaving and entering the community

🤨 Judgment and lack of perspective

Tips and techniques to avoid conflict

These can all be introduced in advance and will help to create an environment that reduces unnecessary conflict. Here are our top 5:

#1 Get clear on the intentions of the coliving space and make sure this is clearly communicated

The beauty of humans is that we all think differently, the pain of being with humans is that we all think differently. Just because you understand what it means to live in a coliving space and the intention for setting it up or living in it, doesn’t mean that your fellow colivers understand it in the same way, nor that they have the same intentions.

People don’t necessarily need to have exactly the same intentions, i.e. one person may want to colive because they have the intention to create more connected relationships, whilst another person’s intention may be to colive to aid their financial situation. These two intentions aren’t necessarily in conflict. However, if the intention of the coliving space is to reduce the eco-footprint, and someone in the space works in oil mining, there will likely be a bit of a conflict of interest and intention here. So, it’s important to be able to clearly communicate and understand, in advance, both the intentions of the coliving space and of the colivers intending to live there. This is applicable to all coliving environments, not just larger communities.

#2 Determine values before moving in together

Values are often the passive sister to the hyperactive brother of intentions. Intentions are a very present, active expression related to an outcome, and because of this, are likely to change quite rapidly at times. Whereas, values sit deeper and stick around for longer.

That’s why digging in to understand the key values you hold and those you want to embody within a coliving space is important. If you value privacy and someone else values an open door policy, well this might cause some tension if you aren’t aware of this in advance. It’s not necessarily about making sure you all have the same values (how boring) but it’s about creating an environment where people can understand each other and respect the differences, and this can only be done if these have been shared. There also needs to be the understanding of how these personal values feed into the collective value(s) for the space.

We dive even deeper into reflecting on your values in the Conscious Coliving in Action: Practical Steps to Getting Started with Conscious Coliving course. But for now:

✍️ Watch our values community call here and do the exercises.

✍️ Take some time to reflect on what your values are. Our previous blog post would also offer some help.

#3 Have clear agreements and contracts

Write it down, and get people to sign a contract to establish a clear buy-in. The agreements or contracts set out clearly what people need to be aware of in advance, and ensure that people can be held accountable. It can also help to vet those not aligned, because if someone is not in agreement then it provides an opportunity on both sides to make sure they don't join a coliving space. We had a great community call related to setting up clear agreements in advance, especially related to finances. You can watch this here.

#4 Have insurance for resources

This one is quite simple. Things break and go wrong, accidents happen. Make sure you have adequate measures in place such as insurance and that this, and the expectations around it, are covered in the agreements we mentioned earlier. If traditional insurance policies aren’t aligned, then you can set up your own insurance pot and individuals who break things more will have to pay more into the pot.

#5 Clear vetting process - don't just fill the space

This feeds into the leaving and entering. We know things can get stressful when people need to leave a space, and unfortunately in coliving spaces this is a common occurrence. There is a delicate balance involved here and we recommend having very specific details on the entry and exit expectations and procedure, including a clear vetting process. \

This can be updated as you go through the motions more times but we would recommend drilling down into the details on this phase because seeking out an aligned individual from the start will save a lot of time and problems in the future. This goes from a very clear advert of the type of person, to a process such as meeting them, possibly a trial period depending on the space and an alliance to the agreement to make sure the person joining is in alignment.

✍️ Out of today’s tips and techniques, which ones have resonated with you the most?

*✍️ * Did they spark any further ideas you could include in your coliving situation?

We’ve covered a lot today to support you in preventing unnecessary conflict from arising in the first place. Seeing as we’re over half way through the course, don’t forget to share any insights you’ve found in the Conscious Coliving Whatsapp group.

And look out for the next lesson where we help you not to be the self-centered energy-drainer of the group.

Lauren

Life Itself