Transforming Conflict in Community — Day 5

Part of the free course Transforming Conflict in Community. Prefer it paced? Get it by email — one lesson a day.

Dear conscious human,

Today we’re going to unpack a sensitive topic about emotional intelligence and individual coliving etiquette. You may feel like you are a mature, well-adjusted adult but there is nothing like a coliving situation to bring out the inner three-year old or teenager ready to rebel. Today we take you through the desirable characteristics of a conscious coliver and how to develop them more, to help you help yourself, and your fellow colivers, in advance.\

How do you know you're not the problem?

How do you know you aren’t playing the role of the self-centered emotionally draining human in your coliving environment? 👀

The answer is to keep reading today’s lesson to find out! We are going to cover the key characteristics and practices that are useful in ensuring you're not emotionally draining or self-centered which will help you to be a better human generally and also deal with (potential) conflict. \

Characteristics for conscious coliving

Let’s first establish what the key characteristics of an emotionally intelligent person and that an individual would ideally embody in a coliving situation are:

Self-awareness
Self-regulation
Empathy
Social awareness
Healthy interpersonal relationships
Emotional expression
Self-motivation
Adaptability
Stress management
Optimism
Conflict resolution
Resilience
Sense of personal responsibility

**The main reasons for being or becoming (more) emotionally intelligent are 1. it's better for those around you **

2. it reduces internal conflict, which causes suffering

As there is no cap on emotional intelligence, it’s a way of being you can continue to develop throughout your life, and one that will only ever enhance it.

Other traits and behaviors that allow you to be a positive contribution in conscious coliving situations that are valuable to mention are:

A willingness to take accountability for your actions
An ability to take a second person perspective
Trust - both being trustworthy and trusting of others
Giving the benefit of the doubt
Committing and being present to your long term commitment
A willingness to align with the community, over your personal opinion, whilst not hiding your personal opinion in conversations
Distinguishing between agreement versus alignment: you might not agree on the path but can you align with the essence behind walking it
Moving the action forward versus being a blocker
Showing up and honoring commitments when you agree that you will

🍸 Ignorauma, the cocktail for disaster: unresolved trauma shaken with some ignorance

What can often result in a cocktail for disaster in coliving situations is when unresolved trauma is shaken up with some ignorance, also known as an Ignorauma. It doesn’t sound like a cocktail you want to drink does it? Ignorauma’s all round … no thanks …

Trauma has become a buzzword in today’s world, a word that can often make people withdraw from the conversation or throw it in as an acceptable excuse or ‘conscious’ reason as to why a certain behavior is happening.

Irrespective of this, you will likely have some aspects of trauma living out within you. This can result in more amenable ways of living or more destructive ways, but it would be safe to say there is an aspect of your behavior that is currently being determined by an experience that has left a traumatic imprint on you. Now, that’s fine in the sense that that applies to most of us. Why it’s an issue in coliving and what causes conflict is when you couple that with ignorance. Now, this ignorance can have a negative impact on ourselves, such as dysregulating our nervous system, as well as on others we live with, through expressions of conflict or unideal behaviors.

To explore this more I’d like to introduce you to Syd.

Meet Syd the hungry ghost

Syd was a hungry ghost. They longed for love and acceptance, a place they felt a sense of belonging, a deep connection with others and an ability to be themselves. Despite their attempts, their energy was consumed by their inner turmoil, leaving little room for connecting with the community or engaging in shared experiences with their fellow colivers.

Like a hungry ghost, Syd's pain was insatiable, perpetually demanding attention and draining the emotional resources of those they lived with. Despite the compassion and support offered by their fellow colivers, Syd's self-absorption created a vacuum that sucked the joy and vitality from the community.\

During the interview process, Syd's colivers sensed a disconcerting energy, an undercurrent of negativity and a tendency to blame others. However, they dismissed these subtle warning signs and their instincts, hoping for the best.

As Syd settled into the community, their true colors emerged. They shirked communal responsibilities, disengaged from group discussions, and displayed a chronic victim mentality. When others shared their troubles, Syd would either tune out, project their own problems onto others, or declare, "You just don't understand".

Like a hungry ghost perpetually seeking nourishment, Syd's self-absorbed nature left them perpetually unfulfilled, with their pain intensifying with each unfulfilled desire. Their inability to connect with their own inner resources ultimately prevented them from connecting to the community and tapping into the compassion and understanding that could have helped to heal their wounds and transform their relationship with the community.

The colivers, initially drawn to Syd's potential, eventually found themselves exhausted by their self-centeredness. Their attempts to offer support and guidance were met with resistance and resentment, reinforcing the cycle of pain and isolation.

As Syd's presence continued to drain the community's energy, a sense of collective disillusionment set in. The coliving space, once a beacon of hope and shared purpose, was now marred by the weight of Syd's unresolved pain, and eventually Syd was asked to leave.\

We all have hungry ghosts within us, so you can’t idealize a Syd free situation. What needs to be understood is where on the Syd scale your hungry ghost may sit, and if the other individuals in the coliving environment have the capacity to welcome and hold space for someone who is in a vulnerable situation at that point. You have to recognise your own personal capacity and the total capacity of the group when assessing if living with a Syd is a good fit for everyone.

How to personally foster greater emotional intelligence

Resolving trauma and becoming more emotionally intelligent is a long journey and requires hard work. We cannot cover all of the methods, techniques and approaches but here’s a few to get you started.

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#1 Know your control drama (and how to regulate it)

The idea of control drama comes from The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield.

In this book, the author uses control dramas to describe patterns of behavior that people adopt to gain energy and power from others. These four dramas take place within us unconsciously and are activated from a scarcity perspective related to energy, and they are:

😠 The Intimidator: This drama involves using force, dominance, or aggression to control others and acquire their energy. Intimidators may use threats, anger, or a sense of superiority to manipulate situations.

🧐 The Interrogator: Interrogators seek control by asking numerous questions or prying into others' lives. They often use a bombardment of inquiries, which can frequently undermine a person's confidence or invade their privacy, as a way to gain energy.

👻 The Aloof: Aloof individuals create a sense of mystery or detachment to attract attention and energy. They might withhold information, emotions, or personal connection, with the aim to create a sense of longing in others to gain their attention and approval.

😞 The Poor Me: Those who choose the "Poor Me" drama seek energy through sympathy or pity. They often play the victim, highlighting their troubles, misfortunes, or challenges to elicit compassion and support from others.\

✍️ Which one of these dramas do you most identify with?

Ultimately, through gaining awareness into ours, and others control dramas we can bring them into our conscious awareness. In doing so we can then actively choose better ways to behave, ways that are more empowering and authentic, which in a coliving situation lead to healthier relationships and personal growth.

#2 Judge lest ye be judged: absolve judgment and seek perspective

We all make judgments. Half the time, or dare I say most of the time, we aren’t even aware we are doing it. Judgments about ourselves, about the person we’re encountering, the situation we’re in or just our standard brain record going around on repeat.

When you can catch yourself judging ask these two questions:

✍️**What is making me feel this way? **

✍️ What's my persistent complaint about this unwanted situation?

Here’s an example: My story is that Syd (from earlier) doesn't care about other people, they think I'm stupid, and it leaves me questioning "why am I always in these kinds of situations?”

On Monday morning, Syd did not clean the communal kitchen after themselves and they later said “I think your (work) presentation is bad". I never asked Syd what happened, why they did not clean the kitchen, or that I felt hurt by their comment and wondered why they said it.

Perhaps if I had asked Syd their perspective on the situation, Syd may have shared that they didn't clean on Monday morning because they had an urgent call but actually on Tuesday they bought a cake for everyone to apologize. And that they didn’t want to upset me but genuinely had a different perspective on my presentation, which maybe wasn’t wanted but could have opened up a conversation around how they perceived it could be better.

And this is why it is important to have very clear agreements and accountability in place so that you deal with the agreements versus the personality of each person. Because in a community it is not about whether you like the person or not, it is about asking if you are honoring your agreements.

Equally, we should, and do, as children, develop the ability to take another's perspective. To remove ourselves from our seated view of the world and swing around to the other side of the table. What we often lose as adults, or when we become hungry ghosts, is the mobility or willingness to do it. If we don’t actively engage in perspective taking, we can get stuck in our own view and forget there are many more viewpoints available.

Shifting from a "physical" perspective, grounded in personal experiences, beliefs, and emotions, to a "view" perspective, seeing through the lens of another's experiences and emotions, is a challenging yet crucial step in resolving conflicts within communities.

☕ We're half way through today's lesson, so if you need to take a break and come back to read the rest here is a good place to do it.

#3 Learn to communicate your boundaries in a healthy way

Communication, communication, communication. How many of you would put your hand up if I asked if you think you have good communication skills? Great. And what about communicating your boundaries? \

We often fall into unhealthy expressions around boundaries, because this can often be a triggering area for us. Firstly, expressing boundaries in advance is a great way to avoid escalating into conflict. If that doesn’t happen, learning to take a calm approach, understanding the boundaries you feel are being impacted, and then working to express it calmly is the best way forward.

#4 Learn to receive feedback

There is a difference between criticism and feedback. Criticism focuses solely on the problem and is what often results in conflict. The reason criticism often results in conflict is that the person feels attacked, like they are personally the problem (not the situation or the behavior), this feeling of attack is however a result of how the person is hearing the comment, unless of course there is a clear verbal attack. With feedback, the message focuses on what is provoking this particular conversation, the ‘problem’, but it also offers suggestions of solutions and ways forward.

Feedback is a conversation with the intention to empower one another. It necessitates having each other’s best interests at heart, and in community, should be coming from a commitment to have the group thrive and individuals grow.

Feedback will, at times, be confronting and uncomfortable and that is why we recommend to have conversations one-on-one and with clear pathways towards actions. How feedback is interpreted and used also depends on if the individual operates from a growth or a fixed mindset. Growth mindsets are imperative in conscious coliving situations to avoid inadvertently ending up on the Syd scale.

#5 Observe your triggers

Heightened situations, emotions, stress, tiredness or just that sore spot within us can all have us more easily triggered. Taking a step back when you have been triggered is however, a life skill worth practicing. Often, to get to this point, we have to take some reflective time to be able to see when and where we’ve been triggered before and investigate the reasons behind them.

Then as triggers start to appear, we can take an inquisitive approach towards them, which in itself invites the opportunity to choose to respond over reacting, and reduces judgment towards ourselves.\

✍️ Do you know places where you are easily triggered?

#6 Do The Work

A method pioneered by Byron Katie, The Work is simply four questions that you can use to break through the mental complexities and unhelpful or stressful thoughts that often cloud our day-to-day lives, to dive in to meet ourselves and our inner compass with ease.

The four questions to ask of a thought that is triggering an unhelpful emotion is:

Is it true? This question invites you to examine the validity of your thoughts, to scrutinize their accuracy with discernment.
Can you absolutely know that it is true? This question delves deeper, penetrating the layers of your beliefs, exposing the vulnerabilities of your convictions.
What happens when you believe that thought? This question shifts your focus from the thought itself to the consequences it brings. Highlight the emotional aspects that arise from the belief and the impact they have on our actions.
Who would you be without that thought? This final question allows you to connect to the essence of your being and a different choice.

✍️Practice with a thought that is causing you distress, apply the four questions and take time to notice how your feelings change as you question the thought.

#7 Use Non-Violent Communication

Non-Violent Communication (NVC for short) is a powerful communication method designed to foster empathy, understanding, and connection between individuals. Developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, NVC offers a framework for expressing ourselves authentically while also listening empathically to others, key to all coliving situations.

NVC helps an individual to express their needs skilfully e.g. “Your music is way too loud, turn it down” vs “I find it difficult to concentrate, would you be able to turn your music down please?”

The key principles to enroll in NVC are:

Observing without judgment, don’t add stories or evaluations, focus specifically on the actions
Express your feelings honestly but recognise they are yours and avoid blame
Understand your needs and the needs of others and where you have unmet needs
Make requests that are clear, actionable, and respectful

#8 And finally, no gossiping!

Gossiping can be extremely toxic, it dilutes energy and relationships, it facilitates the spread of rumors and misinformation, leaving colivers feeling uncomfortable in their own homes, causing division, distrust and ultimately reduces the sense of community.

Avoid gossiping at all costs, and if you do have a ‘complaint’ with another person, speak with them directly. Gossiping is also different from speaking with someone for emotional support, when this happens you share your own feelings responsibly and and show commitment to have the problem resolved, you don’t discuss another person behind their back.

If you ever receive gossip you should encourage the person to resolve it directly with that person or suggest a mediation if they feel unable to resolve it themselves. Gossiping is ultimately about a sense of disempowerment which we touched on in day 3.

We’ve covered a lot today, so well done for hanging in there! 👏

The main point to take away from today is that you have to communicate in a healthy way everything that is going on within and around you, if you can’t do that then you might struggle when it comes to consciously living with others!

✍️ Watch the Helping Hungry Ghosts | Thich Nhat Hanh video

✍️ Take a look at the Sociocracy for All’s Nonviolent Communication Feelings and Needs inventory list and take time to reflect on situations where you have felt triggered to understand what the unmet need(s) were.

Lauren

Life Itself

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